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Baby's dad can't know she exists [Dec. 11th, 2012|03:21 am]

elle_l_elle
My amazing little girl is already 20-months-old.  Her dad does not know she exists.  (He is a volatile drug addict among other things and I just can't take a chance with that.)
I have searched the internet and I am surprised to find that my situation seems more unique than I would have expected.  Most fathers are at least aware of the baby or have been in the child's life at some point. 

I am very concerned about what the lack of a father figure will mean for my little one.  I have read countless studies about the importance of a father in a child's life, especially a little girl.  However, I am even more concerned about what I am going to tell her about her dad. 

I have searched for children's books that address this issue, but I do not find that they accurately fit our situation.  (Maybe I need to look for books that explain sperm donor fathers?)

I also think that it is important to not say anything negative about her dad.  I think I can be at least a little honest about his drug problems and troubled life...  But I'm not sure at what age these truths should be revealed. 

I need to figure out some positive, simplistic responses I can provide her for her daddy questions.  I fear they may be coming soon as she now sometimes calls me "mommydaddy." 

How do other people talk to their children about absent fathers?  This is such a confusing thing! 

Does anybody have a good book recommendation?  (For children or even a self-help type book to help me figure this out.)
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(no subject) [Oct. 28th, 2012|01:08 am]

ak_mommy81
So the sperm donor is back. He was out of jail for over a month before he decided to make contact. Ugh...we were both enjoying the no contact sooo much. Lyric was slowing starting to eat/sleep/act better, more like herself again. It's been a little rough the last couple of weeks with him back in the picture. Anywho, I was thinking of drawing up some kind of visitation agreement for him, kinda as a here are the rules etc, read and sign and so forth. Has anyone ever done something like this? What would you suggest I put in it.

Some obvious things I'd include would be:

- No drinking before/during visitation with Lyric.
-Activities/movies must be pre-approved (he has a history of taking her to do things or see movies not suited for her age)
- Ask that there be a day or two notice to set up visitation to be sure we don't already have something planned.
- Call/text when he wants to set up or needs to cancel a visitation. Maybe to go with this is a 3 strikes your out kinda thing. I want to somewhere/somehow put in that after so many times, maybe the  3 strikes, that I will be filing papers with the courts to change visitation and that there will be none until Lyric calls him. No more, Jim just popping outta the wood work to suddenly play dad again.

I just can't do the in/out thing anymore. More importantly, Lyric can't do it. He is breaking her spirit. She has always been a very easy going, relaxed, jumps into everything with no reservations kinda kid. She is now onry (I know some of this is her age), isn't sleeping, diet has declined. I'm afraid that his behavior is going to next start affecting her in school.

Any insite to this would be greatly appreciated.
BTW, Lyric is 6yrs old. Smart beyond her years. She is tired of his games and that is why I think something like this needs to be done. This is literally his last shot per Lyric.
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Just a lil info hunting... [Aug. 18th, 2012|01:06 am]

ak_mommy81
[mood |irritatedirritated]

My daughter is 6yrs old. I left her "father" when she was about 4 months old because all he wanted to do was go back to the party life we had pre-pregnancy and I just couldn't take anymore of being treated as the maid/cook and being told I didn't work because I was home with an infant and babysitting 3 other kids all day so that I felt as tho I was contributing to our household. You know damn well he didn't complain when he was spending that money.

Anyhow...we're back on the no seeing/hearing from him. I learned of being able to file abandonment papers when there is no contact for 6 months. I was wondering if anyone in here has done it, thought of doing it or knows someone who has and how things went. I don't care about loosing any kind of money I get...when I get it. We can live without it to be honest, even tho it is nice to have when it comes. I just want my daughter to be happy and with him playing the in/out games in her life she isn't. She isn't sleeping, hardly eats, doesn't really want to do anything she loves to do and cries herself to sleep more times then I care to count and within the last couple months has started expressing the desire to have her last name changed because she doesn't want him. She says he doesn't deserve her because he's a bad dad. I always try to be positive with her, when talking about her father but more and more she is coming out with things about how she hates him because he's never around, doesn't want to see him, wants her name to be the same as mine and so forth.

We've hit the 6mo mark before, I just didn't know of this route that could be taken. I wish I had because we could've had this taken care of months, if not a couple years ago. I feel that even if I was turned down, I'll still try and get her name changed. He didn't fight for custody/visitation for our daughter so the chances of him showing up to fight me on changing her name I'm thinking is pretty slim. Only reason he has the visitation he did was because as much as I hated to I told the judge I wa ok with it, in order to sway her in the direction of giving me full custody to all extents of the law so that I don't have to ask his permission for a damn thing concerning school, where we move/live and so forth.....now if only that meant I didn't need his permission to change her name.lol

So again, just looking for info/advice. No bashing..I'm just trying to provide a happy childhood for my daughter and the only (not really, but it's a big part) way I see that is ridding him from our lives completely. I'd never stop her from calling/writing/seeing him down the road if/when she chose to confront him but for right now I see this as the best thing. I in so many ways wish I'd just moved away when I found out I was pregnant and he started playing games a few months in and never named him as the father.

Thank you for any info/advice.

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Questions? [Apr. 3rd, 2012|12:57 pm]
brookeal
Hello I'm new here and I saw on another forum about this one and I've read a few posts to here goes. I am a single mother to 3 children all under the age of 2. I split from my son's father shortly after I had him, but we had no problems he loves him very much etc. After that I met a man a few years younger than me, I turned him down for months but then I don't know, gave in? Well I got pregnant in a short time. I told him right after I found out, he said to have an abortiona nd he would pay and I couldn't do it. There's no way. So he acted like everything would be OK. At 9 weeks I found out it was twin, I don't know how, they don't run in my family. I was on birth control at the time. Well he said they couldn't possibly be his and this is because twins don't run in his family. Yes, he's a moron. So my questions are, we go for a DNA test tomorrow, my daughters have thrush, will this put off the test? Or have any effect on it? And once paternity is established what happens next? Does the state go after him for child support? My biggest question is, when paternity is established does he automatically have parental rights? Do I have to change their last name? Will he get visitation? I don't trust him, he did not want them, and he left me for another girl who is now pregnant but she doesn't know if it's his or her fiance's, but he wants her and her baby even if it's not his. He also has another daughter older than my twins he takes care of. You can see why I'm hurt and distraught, I don't know how this works, I've never been through this. Thank you in advance for any insight and input you can give me.
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Emergency Custody Order [Jul. 6th, 2010|10:08 pm]

dontspeak
My ex-husband filed an emergency custody order for my son today. My son has never been abused, there's no drug abuse in the house, and I have no criminal record. How the hell did he manage to get this? And what happens after this? How soon will I be contacted by some sort of law official about this?
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Child Support [Apr. 8th, 2010|12:51 pm]

secondchances21
So short and sweet my children's father and I didn't work out. I wanted everything to be civil, it's turning out not to be. We worked out an agreement, but I wanted it to be legal and in writing. He's not keen on the idea of the government getting into his business and be forced to do something or pay consequences. Since he's not always the most reliable person and because its just the intelligent idea I petitioned it anyways. We went to mediation, he kinda made an ass of himself and so the mediator sent it through to the courts for us to work it out there. He called back later asking to solve it in mediation saying he'd agree to the terms, but she said it was too late.

So now we are going to court in May. He's quite rather pissed off about the matter and just keeps saying how I am going to pay for this and wont get away with it, etc. To elaborate I dont feel we are in any physical danger, but rather he means he is going to pull every card necessary to degrade my character. I figure this can't be all that uncommon of a story. He's a rather vengeful person and how he acts on court day will probably depend on his mood that morning.

He doesn't really have all that much on me to say. I did drugs as a teenager, but that was years before I had kids and I havent done any since. He did them too but it seems fruitless to point that out. I don't make a lot of money right now and my mom does help me with some of my bills and I receive some assistance through the government. However, I am in my last year of college (I'm 23) and I make good grades and will have a good paying teaching career once I am out and be repaying my debt to society then. Just things like that.

My intention isnt to degrade his character in court. No, he isnt the greatest Dad, but he's not dangerous either. I have no qualms with him seeing his child whenever he wants. He rarely does see them though, I have to call and ask him usually. On occasion he will come and get them for an hour or so, but generally returns saying they are too much to handle. Our son doesnt like him very much.

All the same, I am hoping this wont go terrible and be embarrassing but I am preparing for the worst. Since I imagine quite a few of you have been through this I am asking how to prepare myself. Should I bring statements from mutual friends protecting my character? A copy of my transcripts or paperwork showing how long I have been at my job? See if I can find proof that I gave him a vehicle so he could get to/from work? Volunteer a drug test or take one ahead of time to prove that's not an issue?

I really dont know how to handle this kind of stuff. I guess I am just wondering what to expect and how to prepare. I cant afford a lawyer and dont think I should have to have one.
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PISSED [Feb. 12th, 2010|01:33 pm]
anne_lexi
[Current Location |Indianapolis, IN]
[mood |annoyedannoyed]

 As for the title, Creation.... the story of Lexi, it all began on a stormy night, just kidding. In order to get the frustrations of my life, I need to start out at the beginning of when I met her father. I met Lexi's father, who will remain nameless until the paternity test (which is in the process of being ordered by the courts) online. I know, not smart, your telling me. BUT, let me get this straight, I DO NOT THINK LEXI IS A MISTAKE. She is the MOST beautiful, breath taking, smart, GOOD ( I know a lot parents say that their kid is good, but I mean like, she's really REALLY good) child. I will never regret having her because she is my world. I can say that I'm frustrated with this situation for several reasons. 1) he lied about how old he was.... he was 19 at the time... No, I'm not a cougar nor am I pervert. He told me he was 21 AND his myspace profile said so as well. (I just want to say HE sought me out on myspace, I didn't go looking for him) 2) Her dad strung me along saying he wanted a relationship, BULL SHIT! Obviously, I can't choose guys worth crap, bc if you knew me, you'd know the past few guys I've chosen, have been DUDS! 3) He was all like, "don't tell my mom, I'll tell her" and I believed him. Well, needless to say, I had to call her up and tell her, Lexi was 3 months old at the time, that's time they will never get back. 4) He asked me not to take him to court, he'd pay the child support, yada yada yada. Well, in case you skipped some of the text above, I'm in the process of taking him to court, for a paternity test, which he wants, and then for child support. 5) THE BIGGEST REASON I'M FRUSTRATED- well, I didn't know anything about his family and he wouldn't answer my calls so I had to do what I needed to do. Some may call this deceiving, but I call it necessary. I went on myspace, created a fake profile, and added him. Told him I wanted to meet him, he hadn't even seen a pic and wanted to see me. Then, he asked if I had kids, I said I have a son. I told him I had a sister who was pregnant, the guy left her and how I hated guys who did that. (I was trying to drop hints) Well, I asked him if he had kids, he said no, FIGURES. So, I asked if he wanted kids, and he said yes. He said he wanted them soon. I HIT THE FAN! Are you serious! So my exact words were "are you fucking kidding me? I'm sitting next to your daughter right now!" Well, he stopped talking to me. I forgot to mentino the funny AND stupid part about this whole thing. He didn't tell me anything about his family.. NOTHING, while we were "together." I told him my sister was doing a project about names in families and thats all I needed to say nd he told me ALL of his family's names. Wow, that has to be disturbing to his family to know he just gives that information out to random strangers. Anyways, I got the names I needed and called his family. He also told me where he worked as well, NOT SMART.
     Now, I'm never gonna speak ill of Lexi's dad, but I will say this, I have a quote that I use, "most men can be sperm donors, some choose to be dad's, and only a few deserve to be recongnized as father's" Well, right now, Lexi's dad is a sperm donor. He has done nothing for his child. He know's she's his. He's just scared to tell his family. I understand that. It was hard for me to tell my family at the age of 23, let alone being 19. But, I gave him time, and he blew it.  A lot of people are wondering what my intentions are for telling his parents and getting him to step up. 1) I want her to know her dad. I don't want to HAVE to tell her that her dad didn't want anything to do with her because he wasn't man enough. 2) I was adopted as a child. I love my parents very VERY much and I'm so blessed to have them as my parents, but I do wonder about my birth parents. I have questions for them. I don't want Lexi to have that wonder that I have. I hope that her dad comes around and realized he still can step up.
     Well, I told Lexi's dad that I was pregnant, his first response was, well your gonna get an abortion. Um, NO! I DO NOT believe in abortion. I think if your gonna spread your legs you need to deal with the consequences. Keep the baby or give the baby up for adoption. PERIOD! All you guys who keep spreading your legs and aborting, SHAME ON YOU! I'm taking care of what I did, so should you, but don't kill a child because your life isn't in order. It isn't their fault your life is fucked up! (Sorry about the language, I'm just very passionate about this subject) Well, I told him no. He continued to talk to me until February 14, ironic, isn't it. He told me not to tell his mom and not to go to court. I text him randomly through out the next 6 months, telling him he had a daughter, that she was healthy, etc etc. Then, the big day came!
     I was induced on September 1st, 2009! I was only in labor for 10 hours and pushed for 1! It was THE MOST AMAZING event EVER. I remember it like it was yesterday! She was beautiful, ahead of the game ( you'll get what I mean by that in future posts about what all she can do) and perfect! Well, I called him the next day leaving a message, telling him how beautiful she was and how she needed to see her, his daughter! Well, a couple weeks went by and I heard from him! He texted me and he wanted pictures! Are you serious? You abandoned me while I was pregnant and now you want pictures! Well, I thought maybe he had grown up. He and I talked and he wanted to see her. So, I let him. We even talked about getting back together, but he said he was finishing up school in Decemeber, so we couldn't really "be" anything until after. Like a fool, I believed him. I even slept with him again after Lexi was born. I hate that I did that. Well, so he kept on making promises that he would see her over a 2 week span, he only saw her 3 times. Then, he started bull shitting me with "my pappaw is in the hospital, I can't come" I say bull shitting me because it was later confirmed by his mom that he was never in the hospital. This annoyed the shit out of me. EVERYTHING WAS A LIE! Well, the past couple weeks I've given him one last chance to do everything outside of the courts, which is what he asked for orginially. Well, tomorrow I'm meeting with the attorney to get a court ordered paternity test since he requested one, then we will continue with child support. I hope he realizes he needs to step up, but I think he's too immature to do so.
     I have had to do a lot of growing up the past year. I have been hurt by several people recently and this was like one more blow! I hope her dad can be a man and do what he needs to do.
     I'm mad that he's making me go this far. My only fear is that he will want to stay in the courts, which would include visitation, and I just don't know him as a person. I don't feel comfortable with him having her, yet. He's turning 21 next week, how can he be a good father? He'll be into the partying and crap. Anyone have any advice or suggestions?
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new to this group [Jan. 30th, 2010|01:26 am]

xxblackchickxx
[Current Location |bed]
[mood |calmcalm]
[music |drake drake and more drake]

Hi I'm new...
my name is Kandrea and I am 21yrs old...

my baby daddy storyCollapse )
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(no subject) [Jan. 25th, 2010|03:48 pm]
decbaby17
I am new to this group. But I understand what everyone is going through. I feel like there has to be some kind of website that men get on to find different lies to tell us women to get out of paying child support. I have a 6 week old son. His father keeps going back and forth on wiether or not he is the father. He tried to tell me that if I want to take him to court for child support then I have to pay for his plane ticket out here. See he is in the army and is currently stationed in colorado and me and my son are in west virginia. There is one thing that i like about the army though. If he refuses to do the dna test the military police arrest him and they give him one more chance to take it. If he refuses again they force him to take it and/or start taking child support out. I am not the one who is going to be missing out on my sons life his father is. There are days where it feels like I am alone and I just want to give up but then I look at my son and think ok I can do this, he needs me to take care of him and to teach him everything I know.
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how to phrase a letter [Dec. 16th, 2009|01:25 am]

karenb
My son's dad wrote a letter and I am responding to it. This is what I was thinking of writing. Let me know if you think he can twist it into something bad.
Joey,
Sorry. My intensions were good and my only intention was to check out the Christmas tree Noah picked out and notice the good things you do for Noah. I noticed the wooden platform for Noah's men with trap doors. I saw the castle and thought that it is good that Noah is playing with it and I was proud he liked it still. These are the thoughts that cross my mind when I am at your house and we talk about these things. Sorry if you are missing out on the bigger picture.

I didn't like the phrase bigger picture...or what's really going on...i didn't want fuel him...Yeah my son's dad is manic depressive in my opinion...but I wanted to try to explain myself and that he is assumption is wrong...i kinda know that no matter what i say it wont help him see...he is too hard headed...i am upset...i know an option is to not respond...but for false hope i want to believe he will see what i am thinking

he gave me two days to move out when he surprised me by wanting to seperate in order to be free to see another girl. I didnt get my personal belongings. I accidently saw a box my aunt who died made me and impulsively without thinking I asked if I could have it. He said ok. Then he blew up. It was an accident. But I want him to see that I value him and his house our son has. I know he doesnt care about my feelings. But it bothers me that he is going to use asking for a small box as fuel to prove to himself that I am a selfish person. I dont like anyone thinking i am a bad person. I've been crying nnn
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